The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
