I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
