Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
