We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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