I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
