Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
