I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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