No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
