I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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