My underwear smells like fireworks.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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