Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
