I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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