Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
They took my balls.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
