I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
