My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
