I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
