I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
