Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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