doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
