note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
