I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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