Your dad touched me again.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
