the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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