She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
