A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He did a backflip because drugs
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