My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
