Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
