You smell like a Billy Joel song
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
