she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
