I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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