i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
