first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We named our party play list daddy issues
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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