I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i now understand why vodka
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
