When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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