seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
