I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Boobs speak an international language.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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