How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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