when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
