You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
