so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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