Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
