I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
