fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There r osticjed everywhere
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
