Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
