I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
