also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
