it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This is the high leading the old right now
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
