I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
