Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
