Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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