i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
