well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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